Sunday, 29 October 2017

pain

sometimes
my pain is so bad that doing anything other than processing it is impossible
i would think 'don't know what I'm talking about? consider yourself lucky.'
now i'm not so sure
now i'm considering
pain as gift
as growth
as love
as evolution
as expansion
maybe the not having it is the time to worry?

Wednesday, 30 August 2017

It's a long way.......



anyone who knows my story knows that I started training in dance very late. 19 in fact. I'd been dancing around all my life but never had the opportunity to go to dance classes because of my families economic positioning.... I often think of all the kids who are dreaming of dancing, or doing something, who just can't access it because no one is coming into their communities and asking.... 'what would you like to do?' and then setting up systems that support them to do THAT thing...... so often we tell people what we think they need rather than asking. Another subject for another time tho.....

I'm about to enter my 5th month of recovery since being hit on my bike in April. It's been such an intense and revealing journey.... I'm still not quite sure how to talk about it. The way my accident has impacted me, and the people around me I could never have imagined. The support that people have shown me, the way they have generously supported my recovery has moved me deeply. It has also shown me some of the uglies in people, and caused me to rise up for myself in ways I hadn't expected. It's like the universe wanted me to know how much people love me and believe in me, at a time where I didn't even know that was what I needed.

Tapping into that belief that my community and the people who love me have in me IS what is getting me through this. Over the next 4 weeks I will be slowly reintegrating into my work life inside my new capacity. Doctors have said I will make a full recovery, but what does a 'full recovery' look like for me? Checking my ableist mindset and witnessing the ableism around me has shook me to my core. How often I've heard myself say 'when I get better'.... what if this is my better? How do I love and accept myself where I am right now, as I am right now? As perfect, whole, and complete as I am? What I do know is how much my heart aches for dancing. I realize now that I am a dancer not because of training or accolade, but because at my core, it is my souls expression. I have to move, I have to dance, I have to create. If not, my experience of life dims. Even though I fatigued and super dizzy whenever I try and dance these days, moving feels so good.

These days I'm looking for more and more ways to liberate my mind, my body, my soul, my heart, my experience of living and being alive. Dancing is my pathway to my liberation. To liberate those around me...... Can I even work towards the liberation of others if I am not actively liberating my own heart and mind? What does my liberation look like? Whichever way it goes, it's a constant unfolding. A long way one could say.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntezZNuVAuQ

Monday, 4 April 2016

know when to go

releasing pain is more important than holding it
holding on to it
holding it in you
holding it for others
there's gotta be a space for all this pain to go
for a way to grow
a new new new new new new new view
and love
and to grow new love
and view things new again
there's gotta be a way
they way is to through
the only way out is through
so you gotta know when to go
moments when you think you've got it all figured out
and then your done
and they your gone
and then your alone
and you see what you don't see
and you know you know nothing
knowing nothing is really the only thing to know at all
the sky could open up and eat me tonite
and that'd be alright
swallow me whole
take me into your deep darkness
deep into your deep darkness
and you gotta know when to go
and when to go
when coming through your bones is the ache of your sadnesss
and the pain makes it all known
as if it was ever unknown at all
i'd be okay if the pain went away
i don't need a reminder, really thank you i'm okay.
but i guess the reminder is the thing that let's me know
let's me know when to go
let me go when you know
pooling feelings in one sore spot
that's what my pain is that's what i've got
to much to hard to fast to sore
i've got all this and i've got much more
just gonna keep on moving it's the only thing I know how to do
because i know when to go
you don't need to tell me to




Saturday, 2 April 2016

I said I would write every day

I said I would write everyday..... and I'm going to :)
But, what I have found about this last week of posting tho, is that I was posting for the sake of posting instead of for the real distinct feeling I get when something has to pour out of me and I have just got to write it down.

I'm not saying that all my writing is going to feel that way, but I think the quality of what I post will be much better if I take to writing privately and then sharing that which I desire to share, vs. because I said I would.

Also I like the feeling I get when I write for myself, and then share it as an afterthought.

So if you've been reading, thank you.
And if you haven't, thank you.

See you here sometime soon.

xoxx

Friday, 1 April 2016

mornings are a fickle time

mornings are a fickle time
the alarm goes off and some times i get up
sometimes i hit snooze
and how that goes
can usually be a pretty good indicator of how the rest of my 'morning time' will go

i feel a push against consistency, like an actual resistance to doing things the same way over and over and over and over again
that has it's benefits, but it also has its costs.

what if, I created my morning like the exact same every day.
what would that create?
When asked what a typical morning looks like, Seth Godin said something along the lines of, 'well I have a shake consisting of this, this this, this, and this (you get the picture), and I do that everyday because breakfast is something I don't think about.'

Maybe consistency is the opportunity to free up one's mind.
Creating something as a series of actions rather than choices that change on a whim, could possibly free up the mind to consider other things?

I want to play a consistency game.
I will play a morning consistency game.
But what will it consist of????

to be continued......

Thursday, 31 March 2016

For Heart

Why bother doing anything at all?
Why get out of bed in the morning?
Why ask questions?
Why wonder why?

I've found my reason.
It's for what's in my heart.
At the center of any question I truly now believe that the answer can be found in the heart.
I'd heard this expression before "feel into it" and now I know it as experience.
No longer concept, my fog lifts away and I can see/direct my course and path without all the constant insufferable self questioning and doubt.
And not that I won't have doubts anymore, but that now, I can come back to this simple intention:
What for heart?
Grounded in this new discovery I bring myself back into my joy and my love and the soundness of my own intuition, something I had lost in my youth and been yearning to recover.
Imagine knowing, trusting, moving, in the direction of what I know to be my truth.
I could even go so far as to say it is the distinction between, feeling and emotion, another one that I have toiled over for years and years.
The feel, is the feeling in my heart, my intuition, my north star.
Emotions will fluctuate, come and go on a whim, and in reactionary stance, but when I make 'feel' the distinction of what resides in my heart, well, now I've got something I can really dance with.
And so I will.
All day long.
And that 'feels' good.

Wednesday, 30 March 2016

what does/(is)/will it (going) take?

What does it take?
What is it going to take?
What will it take?

So many times in the last 7 days I have had to push myself out side of my comfort zone.
Out of the zone to make a move, ask for something, say what I need, cause my own experience.

Telling my lover the truth about my feelings and needs
Getting myself on a plane
Moving in with strangers, having a stranger move into my home
Asking my employer to give me the time I need to do what is in my heart to do
Stepping in the studio and confronting my demon's of "i'm not good enought" to say "so what I can do it the best I can and that can be good enough".
Reaching out, asking for help
Dealing with no's and yes's and no's and yes's and giving up making people wrong on either end to really get their love and communication to me as the contribution it is
Not being stopped, knowing when to give up.

I feel love, excitement, fear, expansion.
This is it.
Now, all happening now.
Holy shit.